


42

by DeadGalaxy



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, Heavy Angst, Lee Minho | Lee Know-centric, Panic Attacks, Sad, Sad Lee Minho | Lee Know, Self-Harm, Starvation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:01:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29567886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadGalaxy/pseuds/DeadGalaxy
Summary: Minho felt like a ghost, living in the shadow of everything and everyone, without being able to say what he really felt, a walking corpse, his reality was like running in circles every second, his wounded heart was already empty and his body no longer hurt as before, Pain was your friend, distracting him from everything and everyone. He didn’t understand the purpose of life, 42 they said? It didn’t make sense, he just wanted to give up, the voices never stopped and no one else was at his side.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 12





	42

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys! Long time no see right? But I am back with another fic! I was/am really nervous to post! I hope from the bottom of my heart that you like it!  
> Songs rec:  
> Ollie - Lost

Minho was thinking about life, wouldn’t it be better just to die?

I don’t know what I’m doing here yet, my heart hurts like someone’s trying to rip it off without anesthesia, I know I deserve the insults and hate words, I’m still not perfect, I’m a mediocre singer and the only thing I know how to do is dance, But there are so many other people better than me fighting for this job, why should I still try? I will never be what they expect, high expectations suffocate me like a toxic smoke, I think about how life no longer makes sense, how everything revolves around money and power... My teammates? would they be better off without the weak, vulnerable self that I am? I believe so.

My name is Lee Minho, I don't consider myself a special, important and much less necessary boy in the lives of the people around me, like my friends and family, I have always been considered the bastard son, since I was very young I decided that my great dream wasn't to be a renowned businessman like my father and much less a splendid lawyer like my mother, I wanted to be a dancer, or rather an artist, I wanted to live off music, I always loved how my body moved according to each beat, as if my oxygen were music, it was a feeling of pleasure and lightness every time I lost myself in different beats, I was never lunatic and worried about money, I thought my family would support me in my true happiness, I always thought I’d have a place to call home.

Poor me, as an innocent child I told them how I had passed an audition at the company that I wanted so much to debut as an artist, happiness was blowing up of my chest, however, I had forgotten that hope was a word that didn't exist in the dictionary of my life, my father, or rather, Mr Lee in a fit of rage and hatred almost killed me and I really wanted him to do it, every punch and kick in my body, I felt empty, the pain no longer made a difference, words of disappointment were thrown into the air, the humiliation was evident, Mrs Lee had little cared for the situation that found me bleeding on her favorite carpet, confirmed every word spoken by my "father" agreeing when Mr Lee said that I would _never_ , be like my older brother, the only pride of the family, the violence lasted for hours and hours, the couple didn't seem to recognize me as a son, after all, who needed a dead weight? My voice died, I no longer felt anything, I was kicked out of the small house only with the bloody clothes that I was wearing.

That same day I got kicked out of my house, I had no place to go, I didn’t want to bother my friends and teammates, I knew we were only moving to the dorm the other week, but I managed to convince one of the superiors that I had nowhere else to go, it wasn’t a lie, but I concealed most of the facts, I couldn’t risk my big chance for being a weak one, it had been some time since I felt somewhat out of place among the other 7 boys, tried to hide it with a smile when apologizing for situations I was rarely involved, I was always forgotten, lucky I wasn't invited to the movie nights, it was just a garnish, necessary to teach the new choreography and just this, they no longer wanted a teammate, 7 was a perfect number, but 8 was more than necessary, who would need such a broken person in their cycle of friendship? He understood from his heart, nor could he stand, the noise in his mind was infernal.

_The voices in his head were clear, no one cared enough, how could he feel needed in people’s lives? Like demons who never slept, their thoughts dominated their own mind, frantically and constantly. It was a failure, a useless, needed to punish himself for being so weak and unnecessary as it would be an example to the younger if it was so broken?_

I thanked all the existing gods for being alone in that big apartment, I wouldn’t know how to explain the bruises and the blood to the rest of the boys, not that they would care about me but about the dirt I was making in our new"house", the pain didn’t matter anymore, it was just a reminder that I needed to be better, that it was all my fault, what I was still doing there? I lay down on the living room floor, I didn’t know if it was my tears or the blood dripping all over my face, but it made no difference, I would never do, I just wanted to quit, but for some unknown reason it was so hard, I tried to think of reasons that would make me stay, reasons to continue this long and tiring walk but nothing took effect.

In a failed attempt to silence the loud, violent voices in my head, I searched my phone to see what chat I had with the rest of the boys, my screen was a bit cracked, but nothing to stop me from reading the few messages exchanged, as if the last point of hope in my chest were to fade, I read each message felt the urge to cry increase and the mental exhaustion dominate me, I just wanted to play the mobile away and pretend that today was just another nightmare of my troubled mind, that I would wake up in my house with the delicious smell of my mother’s pancakes and my father wishing me a good day while my brother was getting ready for work in a hurry.

**_8 suckers living together_ **

_**Han:** Hey we’re still going out tonight? I have nothing to do and my parents went out to dinner_

_**Hyujin:** Han, wrong chat bro_

_**Han:** What are you talking about? isn’t the group with the boys?_

_**Chan:** Look at the name of the chat_

_**Chan:** Hey Minho that isn't what you’re thinking, man, it’s not that we don’t want to go out with you..._

_**Bin:** If you don’t have the guts to tell him, I’ll fucking tell._

_**Bin:** Nobody invites you to anything because you’re weird, you don’t talk to anyone and you always have this shit face, so that’s why_

_**Felix:** Bin... You didn’t have to be that rude_

_**Minnie:** He’s right Felix, there’s no point in hiding the truth_

_**Jeongin:** Minho? Aren’t you going to say anything?_

_You guys are right..._

_I’m weird, and it’s the best decision you could make_

_You know, I really love each and every one of you_

_I’m sorry I'm like this_

**_Lee Minho left this chat_ **

I could only smile sadly, they said exactly what I thought, but why did my chest still hurt? It seemed like the last part of me that was left was being ripped away, but I didn’t care, I was determined, I was going to do what was best for everyone, I can’t keep being that burden to my parents and to my teammates, but how would I do that? I didn’t want to make a mess... but I remembered my old friends, my _sleeping pills_... I started taking them when I was very young, I couldn’t sleep for days and was consequently unable to eat, like a walking skeleton, a bit like today and to shut my mouth my parents asked a doctor, friend of them, a prescription for the strongest medicine he knew, and one way or another they facilitated the whole process, I couldn’t be more grateful.

I went to the bathroom, it was a little small, but I directed my gaze to the bathtub and I knew it would be the perfect spot, with a piece of paper that I had ripped out of a notebook, a pen and my medicine bottle, I sat quietly in the empty tub with my clothes and everything, closing the curtain of the bathtub, as if I needed some kind of privacy, ignoring my phone that didn't stop ringing, I began to write the beginning of the end of my story, while smiling relieved, I would finally have peace.

**_who am I?_ **

_Hello person who found the letter, how are you? I don’t know if we know each other, but my name is Lee Minho, I’m 19 years old and my dream was to be a successful dancer and singer, I got into the company I wanted so much, do you believe me? But it doesn’t matter at the moment, you, unknown person, must be wondering why I hit rock bottom, right? Well... it’s a little hard to admit you’re broke, don’t you think? I realized when I was young that while the other kids were worrying about playing I was wondering what it would be like if a car hit me... would I die?_

_A terrible child, I know, my parents tell me this day, but you know the worst part, Mr Strange? That feeling never went away, I just discovered how to disguise, I learned to smile falsely, I stopped eating because the mirror always showed the cruel reality in my face, I sank into sleeping pills since the voices didn’t allow me to sleep._

_I know I’m weak to choose the easy option, to give up, but it’ll be better for everyone, my parents will finally only have one child and it’s the most perfect one anyone could wish for and my friends, my group that I love so much... they’ll finally be complete._

_Thanks for reading so far, I hope I didn’t bore you, it would be a big deal._

_With affection Lee Minho, a boy lost in his own darkness._

When I finished writing, I read and reread the letter, it wasn't so big, but it was also not so small, it was the ideal size for what I needed to say, my chest seemed relieved with this minimal form of unburdening, without wasting time, I took the little bottle and turned it in my mouth, I tried to swallow as much as I could, by opening up the bathtub shower to get water, making it easier. As I finished the whole bottle, allow myself to lie down and close my eyes as I felt my body go soft, I had no control over any part of my body, it was as if I were relieving all the pain and suffering I had felt for years.

Before I could close my eyes completely and embrace the pitch like an old friend, I heard voices coming from outside, I couldn’t identify who it was or how many people were there, but they seemed desperate, I heard someone approach the locked door, I didn’t have the strength to open my mouth, but I could hear everything from someone trying to open the door unsuccessfully, to desperate cries until the sound of the wooden door was knocked down with everything on the floor, Before I went to sleep, I could only hear a cry of horror and a desperate plea for some reaction.

_But what could I do if I were already dead before all this happened?_

**Author's Note:**

> Soo What do you guys think? Hope you like it <3   
> I would like to thanks my friends who read the story and supported me in this journey of uncertainty and nervousness, you are my everthing!  
> thank you so much for reading it<3  
> twitter: @2hyungalaxy  
> Xoxo Sica


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